 I had four
I was ready for more So God made me you Kept you inside For a short little while ‘Cause God made me you For a moment in time Your heart beat with mine I knew when you were through ‘Cause God made me you In the blink of an eye You went to the sky After God made me you You weren’t meant to stay I know that today Since God made me you I cherish that moment in time Your heart beat with mine Loved you through and through ‘Cause God made me you I can ask every why Won’t know til I die And that’ll be alright I’ll just trust your silent goodbye ‘Cause God made me you It was a brief moment in time When your heart beat with mine Now is your turn to guide me through Cuz God made me you
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 Driving on the way to moms night out last Thursday, I saw a buncha cumulus clouds with a hole that had the sunlight shining through. I had been thinking a lot about Marky since his due date anniversary had just passed. It’d been a hard week. The light was as if he was trying to tell me something...
See the clouds in the sky With the sun peeking through That’s me, mama Talkin to you Peering through the darkness That little light Is me, mama Watchin tonight I know you miss me, mama I know you long to hold me close I see you desperately, Wishing you could count my toes I’m watchin’ for ya, mama When you get to the end of your road It’s me mama, waitin’ for you I left a little early Sorry I left you alone God called, mama So I had to go He gave me to you and I made you smile Don’t worry, mama It’s only a while I know you miss me, mama I know you long to hold me close I see you desperately, Wishing you could count my toes I’m watching for ya, mama When you get to the end of your road I’m here mama, waitin’ for you Even though we’re so far apart I’m always alive in your heart Though you miss me, mama and Though you long to hold me close I’m here prayin’ for ya, mama Through your highs and lows I’ll be waitin for ya, mama When you reach the end of your road No rush mama, I’m waitin’ for you Yeah, It’s me mama, waitin’ for you So many things I fear to do, or things I’m too tired to do, or things that seem too hard to do sometimes...triggers seem to hold me down and I allow em to run my life. I just feel stuck when I can’t think fast or enjoy what I used to, I keep thinking after the losses I can’t go back to the me I used to know.
I never used to be Able to confine a joke inside of me I’d sing whatever song came to mind Now I’ve left that all behind It seems every shower time I touch emotions with my rhyme Once upon a year past, I’d never fear to go Explore the heart of the me I used to know I used to find joy and keep up with the game Of life and most any sport you name Handling everything that came my way With ease of a mind that never strayed Felt confident in my doula passion Ready to follow my true birthie passion Until once upon a year ago I abandoned the me I used to know My arms then weren’t full of lead Many thoughts raced through my head I was devoid of this emptiness Never thought I’d have babies to miss Fun me rushed through my veins Where now the numbness reins Those roads I never feared to go Belong to the me I used to know My body never felt so dead It was easier to get outta bed Looked forward to each day Laughed at funnies my kids would say Was always quick with wit Now it tends to take a little bit My mind seems now to go Stuck with the me I used to know Tried not to shy from God’s Will Now I find myself hiding still As if in the Garden, clothed, ashamed Hesitant to come when He called me by name To find out what it means to answer His call After taking and refusing to leave last years fall Afraid to now spring and go Try out the new version of the me I used to know Lord I’m angry and hurt
Why did you create them from dirt Then take them again away This seems child’s play Tormenting my feeble heart Tearing my life apart It’s hard to handle my losses Why’d you give me these crosses? I feel stuck Emotions run amuck I can’t feel your grace To help me out of this place Why do this to me? Where lies Your mercy? I fail to see your plan I’m trying all I can My joy in life falls short Tho I place the ball in Your court I’m like a toddler to this day Having a hard time knowing what to say Why did you ask me to be your Job? When I can barely handle this load Why with You by my side Do I seem to barely get by? I don’t seek to offend you But I don’t know what else to do Other than to be angry and hurt You fashioned and soon returned both to dirt  With my husband and kids and friends gathered round, I could barely utter a coherent sound. During the burial rite I whispered lest I cry. But goofed around as I lowered them down. Joked with my kids about playing in dirt, wondered why I didn’t feel sad and hurt.
My world is upside down Yet I seem like a clown Nothing seems real Shock is what I feel You see me smile You wonder all the while Where are my tears Why aren’t they here This is no time to joke Why can’t I be serious like other folk Like I just don’t understand The serious time at hand You wonder why I don’t cry Why my emotional responses are awry My façade is strong Though it seems so wrong This should be grief My joy robbed by a thief Happiness taken a break Yet I think it’s all a mistake Like this box I bury isn’t mine Pile on the dirt, and I’ll be fine Everything settles like the dust Return to life as I must Looking back on each time Amidst the sorrow, I was sublime Yet afterwards the rain would fall Winds would blow, and sorrow call Yet everyone else had moved on Solemn faces from that day were gone Each time I feel I missed my chance To join with others in the dance The emotions came too late for me When everyone else could all see I was blind and so After that day, their emotions would go Since then I’ve been like a lonely tree Standing against the force from the sea Expected to return to my norm Feeling left alone to weather the storm Why did I have to seem so tame Why can’t everyone’s feelings be the same It appeared I didn’t comprehend So the wrong message I did send How I wish our emotions would align Or that somehow you’d see a sign Stages of grief are in disarray So they shouldn’t be arranged that way Dads feel it, too. They just cope with it in different way. Because of that, the moms may feel alone. Men aren’t emotional and that’s okay. They were made that way. It balances things out.
One can’t begin Unraveling the mystery They carry so much within And no one knows it but he His daily struggles abound But he keeps it all inside He makes not a sound Just continues life’s ride He sees others trouble And thinks not of his own Helps them rise from their rubble Nourishes them til they’re grown It’s his job and he refuses to fail it He loves his own without end No hardship will make him quit Sorrow won’t make him bend For his family and others He remains strong Shields his sighs from the mother He helps her move along As he watches her painful tears And witnesses her mountain crumble She labors through love and fear His own heart remains humble He suffers in the quiet Guarding her heart first He seeks not his own respite Minds not his hearts thirst A father’s heart refuses to fail He made a promise til the end Sealed it before he lifted her veil And his hearts love he will defend --- Written for Mark William, miscarried at 16 weeks ---
So often I have sunk into the thought process of wishing my babies were here and mourning that they were gone. This is all well, but it helps me to remember that earth is not to be our final resting place, that our beautiful saints, though missed sorely, are in their final resting Place. Safe with Our Father, Who art in Heaven. So many what ifs cross my mind But each answer proves me oh so blind For each question seems a doubt That since he’s gone, he’s missing out How dare I question why When I know he’s with a great Guy Why do I question what he’s getting after birth And compare to what he’d get here on earth For love, he has his Family in Heaven With the Spirit, he’s an advocate for our family of seven For guidance, he has His Father’s Hand For food, he has the Son of Man We weep because he won’t get more time here But really, what need we fear? No time to deal with the worlds’ way But straight to Heaven, never lead astray We shed tears because we loved But rejoice for he’s with Love above We cry for the loss of our little soul But there’s joy for reaching our goal As parents we all yearn We seek and our hearts burn Tho the chances seem oh so faint For our littles to all become a saint Why then should we mourn When they end this earthly sojourn When they leave this life seemingly quaint To join in heavenly joys and become a saint? |
Danielle Erwin
is a Catholic mom of six children, four of whom are here on earth and two who have been called Home. Writing is her way of putting her tears of grief to words, as she wishes to help mothers who have also experienced loss on their journey towards healing. Archives
July 2019
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